Guilt
by WeepingintheTardis
Summary: Set during season 2. Contains spoilers up until episode 2x02. This is what I think happened/should have happened.
1. 2x01 pt1

Part** 1**/2**  
><strong>

Ellie's life had been destroyed. Her home, her friends, her family, - hell, even her son had been ripped out of her world. Things that had once been the fundament of her life, all gone now. In less than a day she had lost everything.

Almost everything, she had to remind herself. Fred was still with her. The toddler didn't give her solace. More than that, he was a constant reminder of how alone she was. The boy would grow up not knowing why both his father and brother had been taken from him at the same day. He was probably too young to even remember. This boy had the right to grow up normally, so Ellie did everything in her power to be a good mum. She spent as much time as she could with the child, acting cheery around him until he fell asleep or she could leave him at day-care, and she could no longer keep up the facade. When Fred wasn't with her, Ellie wanted nothing more than to break down, but she couldn't. So she steeled herself and went to work.

She refused to think of it as penance. Penance is what Alec would call it. Alec bloody Hardy... Her former boss had somehow found a place to live in Broadchurch. She hadn't seen him much after what happened. He had tried to contact her a few times, but as she refused to answer his calls and messages, they had become less and less frequent. Last month there had only been one call from him. He had left a message on her voicemail with the date of the trial -like she didn't have that information herself-, an unspoken warning as he told her she didn't have to come and the announcement that he would be there anyway.

It had been too late. Ellie had made up her mind a long time ago. She would go. She had to see it happen with her own eyes: Joe confessing, pleading guilty and going to prison. Justice at last. Maybe sometime after the trial she could even go back to Broadchurch.

It was a naive thought. It was highly unlikely she would return. Even as she voiced those thoughts to her therapist it sounded pathetic. Nothing was left of the once optimistic Ellie. The last bit had been destroyed by two words.

_"Not Guilty." _Joe's words echoed in her head.

'Guilty.' her own voice said. And then. 'It's my fault.'

It's my fault I didn't see what was going on.  
>It's my fault my life's a mess.<br>It's my fault not only _my_ life is a mess.

But she didn't say those things out loud.

Sometimes she watched the people of Broadchurch, watched them do ordinary things. She watched them take walks, shop for groceries. She watched people sit down and have a drink together, chatting happily. She watched children play and laugh. And how she envied them with their simple lives. And oh, she craved the familiarity of it all.

She'd thought things were bad 7 months ago, when at her first day back at work she met DI Alec Hardy, who had gotten her job and found her best friend's boy dead on the beach.  
>Little did she know back then.<p>

She left the session without feeling any better. She never did. Ellie used to talk about her problems with Beth, with Joe. To this woman she just couldn't open up.

'Miller!'

A sharp pain in her chest, again. She wanted to cry, something Ellie hadn't done in months. Instead, she let the anger she'd repressed the last hour surface.

'Go away!' There was a reason she never called him back. 'What are you doing here?'

'It's your appointment.' He said as if that explained everything.

'I didn't tell anyone.' How did he know? Did he ask her sister, or... 'Have you been following me?'

'Shut up!' He stood aside to let her access the car.

She snorted. 'That's right. Stalk me and insult me and you wonder why you're divorced.'

Low. She was tempted to apologize immediately, but Hardy didn't even take it as an insult.

'I'm in trouble.' He said. Coming from him when he looked at her like that was almost a confession.

She sighed. 'So am I if I don't collect Fred from the child minders in under next 20 minutes.'

'Seriously.' His brown eyes were pleading. 'I sort of need your help.'

The Ellie from 6 months ago would have laughed and mocked him for asking her for help. However, the present Ellie simply couldn't do that. Despite what she liked to think of her former boss, if he needed her... Well, she could at least try to help. After everything he had done for her she owed him that much.

'Get in, for God's sake!'

They drove in awkward silence for 10 minutes before Ellie parked her car opposite of the day-care and undid her seatbelt. She turned her head to look at Hardy.

'Look,' she said, 'I'm not going to apologise.'

'I know.' He replied softly. 'And neither am I.'

She nodded, not completely understanding.

'For keeping an eye on you.' He added.

So he _had_ been stalking her.

'You don't have to.' And surprisingly Ellie found she meant it.

Alec nodded, bringing his hand up and biting his thumbnail. 'Are you...'

'No I'm not.'

'Obviously.'

Neither of them seemed to know what to say next. Everything had been said, more or less. Back _that_ day when she had crashed down at his hotel room after she had spoken to Beth. Back at Wessex Crown Court...

She'd been late. Stupid of her. She had nearly broke down from everyone staring at her like _that_. But he had been there, as he had promised.

'Miller!' he had whispered.

A dull pain had throbbed in her chest at the familiarity of the word. Alec had felt stable. After all that happened, after everything that had changed, he was still the same. She wouldn't admit it, but she even was thankful for him being there.

_"Not guilty."_

Of course he had found her in the bathroom. But then, did she really think she could hide from him?

'Go away!' it seemed every conversation had to start like that. 'It's the Ladies! You can't come in the Ladies!'

Of course he could. Of course it didn't make her feel better.

'Don't let it get to you.'

'Oh, thanks for that. Brilliant advice.' Her therapist had only used _"talking really helps" _more frequently. Both things seemed impossible.

'How is this my life now?' She had asked him a similar question back at his hotel room. He still didn't have answers for her.

Sadness was written over his face as he said the only thing he could say. 'I'm sorry...'

Sorry for having ruined your life.  
>Sorry for seeing you like this.<br>Sorry I can't help.

He didn't say those things. What he did was even more unbelievable.

'Do you want a... hug?' He frowned as if the word confused him, raising his arms just a little.

'What? No!' What had gotten into this man?

He hurriedly backed off. 'All right. No.'

'What's the matter with you?'

'I want to help.'

'How? Hug it out?'

He shrugged helplessly. 'People do that.'

'Well, not you.'

Pain flashed over his features. 'Just don't be alone today.'

And haven't he given her that warning before? And wasn't she about to ignore it again? Ignore him again?

She raised his eyes to meet his.

'I _am_ alone, Sir.' And she had fled.

He hadn't tried to find her.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Huge shoutout to timeywime-y for being my beta. Any remaining mistakes are mine.<strong>  
><strong>I know I should work on my other fic, Beating of the hearts, but this just sort of happened. I'll post part two soon, I'm still working on it.<strong>  
><strong>Please review?<strong>


	2. 2x01 pt2

Pt.2

Ellie would be lying if she said she wasn't surprised to find out about Claire, but it wasn't that far from the truth. If there was someone who would choose to hide a person in an isolated area to protect them, it had to be Alec Hardy. So she wasn't surprised he had done it. What had shocked her was that this had been his reason to come to Broadchurch, and that he seemed to give up everything in order to keep this woman safe.

So far, Ellie had decided, Claire was nice enough. Though there was something about her that made Ellie hesitate to trust her. In a way, the two women were the same. And yet they were so very different. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but something about Claire was off.

She wasn't sure why she accepted the offer, or maybe it had been an order, to stay over. It made her feel like an intruder, sitting on a strange bed and rummaging through a strange closet. That closet, she had discovered, contained more than just clothes and quilts. She had found an empty sheet of paper with a bluebell. It could mean nothing, it could mean anything. All Ellie knew was that she wanted to get out of here.

She also knew she couldn't just leave. Not when Hardy had brought her here, trusting her blindly that she would help him, that she would understand why this was important to him. She just didn't know what to do.

Ellie flopped down onto the bed. Being alone in an unfamiliar room, everything seemed much more miserable than before. She wanted nothing more than to crawl into her own bed and cry, to scream, to cry some more and fall asleep. No, that was not quite true. More than anything Ellie just wanted this all to be a bad dream she could wake up from.

There was a light knock on her door. ´Are you all right in there, Miller?'

She jumped to her feet. 'Don't come in!'

She could imagine him rolling his eyes. ' 'Course I'm not coming in. I'm on the sofa.'

Right, of course. Such a big house, why would he have to sleep on the sofa, she wondered briefly.

'Goodnight!' she called, crossing her fingers, not sure whether she really wanted him to go.

'Fine.' -It wasn't fine at all.- 'Goodnight.'

She heard him walk away.

One step...

Two...

A third...

She stepped closer to the door, leaning her ear against the wood.

A sigh.

Two steps away. One back...

Ellie bit her lip. It wasn't too late, she could still call out for him.

Another step back.

'Miller?'

His voice was soft and tentative, making him sound unsure, even shy.

'Just... Are you sure you're all right?'

She couldn't respond. Her voice had given way to the tears.

She heard the rustle of cloth, possibly him pushing his hands in his pockets as he walked away.

'Wait.'

The door creaked as she slowly pulled it open.

He turned, surprised and worry written over his face.

'I'm not all right.' She distantly heard herself say. 'In fact, I'm the furthest from all right I've ever been.'

Silently he brushed past her and she closed the door behind him. It occurred to her that the situation must be quite embarrassing. He wasn't wearing his jacket and she was in her nighty. She didn't care.

'Ellie.' He started.

'No.' She swallowed. 'Please don't do that.'

He nodded, correcting himself. 'Miller.'

'Sir.'

His lips turned upward in a smirk and despite everything Ellie smiled too. A small smile, barely even there, but it was more then she had managed in a long time.

'Look at us.' Hardy sighed.

'We're a mess.' Ellie agreed. 'Still, it seems you're coping better than me.'

He shrugged. 'Not so sure 'bout that.'

'At least you have a plan. I don't know what I'm gonna do now.' She confessed. 'Life's never gonna be normal for me again, is it?'

He leaned back against the closet rubbing a hand over his scruff.

'I have Fred.' She continued. 'I have to take care of him.'

'And you have to take care of yourself in order to do so.' He cut in.

She shot him a glare. 'We were gonna be all right. And now Joe's messing everything up again. And now you are asking me to help you to fix your life.

'Look at me.' A single drop slid down her cheek. She brushed it away before it could fall from her face. She felt more wounded and vulnerable than ever. 'Look at what has become of my life. I'm broken, my life is a mess. How can you possibly expect me to fix yours?'

The silence weighed heavily down on them. Hardy opened his mouth to say something, but closed it and dropped his gaze.

He didn't have answers.

She hadn't expected him to.

Ellie knew he was racking his mind for something, anything he could say that would somehow make it better. In the end, maybe he decided such a thing didn't exist.

'Is there anything I can do to help?'

She smiled watery, wiping her nose with her sleeve. 'I don't know.' She replied honestly.

His arm moving up a bit as if to reach for her. Before he could put it on her shoulder, he cringed and let it swing down, hand fisted.

Suddenly Ellie longed for the touch. It'd been so long since someone had offered her comfort (and she hadn't declined it).

'Does...' she bit her lip. 'Does your offer still stand?'

He frowned in confusion. Then he realised and his face lit up a bit. 'It does.' He informed her, stretching his arm out to her.

She stepped in, letting him pull her closer into his embrace and hid her face in his chest. Tears seeped through the thin material of his shirt and she felt him tighten his grip.

'Anytime you need it.' He mumbled, leaning his chin on her head.

Ellie's arms left his chest and encircled his waist. Alec brought his hand up to stroke her hair while the other rubbed soothing circles on her back.

They stayed like that for what seemed minutes as she let the tears flow freely. Eventually she had calmed down enough to stop shaking and lifted her head. He caught her gaze and smiled lightly. There was no need for words in this conversation. He pulled back to him and held her until her body completely relaxed against him.

As he released her he leaned casually back against the closet, watching her with soft brown eyes. 'Better?'

She nodded. 'You?'

His hand came up to scratch the back of his neck. 'Yeah.' He admitted. 'A bit.'

Ellie yawned, quickly covering her mouth. 'Sorry, I'm really tired.'

'I'll leave you to sleep.' He hastily moved towards the door.

'Alec?' she gripped his wrist and had him turn to her. 'I'll help you. I don't know what your plan is, but I want to help.'

He nodded. 'Thanks, Miller.' he mumbled.

Then he was gone.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Sorry it took so long. Maybe I'll continue this throughout the series. Writing this is a good way of coping with the feels.<br>Tell me what you think?**


	3. 2x02 pt1

**Broadchurch (2.2)**

Pt.1

_Mr A. Hardy_

_3 Seafront Lane_

_Broadchurch_

_Dorset_

_DT3 9KA_

_Dear Mr Hardy,_

_**RE: YOUR PROCEDURE**_

_I am writing to you on behalf of South Wessex NHS Trust regarding your fast approaching procedure I am pleased to confirm your test results came back positive so we are able to continue this process. As you are already aware this is a very important issue which we believe needs to be addressed now to stop the condition from getting worse. We deal with each case individually and try to accommodate each person's needs as best we can. Appointments can be changed however in your case we recommend this procedure to go ahead as soon as possible._

_A follow up letter will be sent shortly to discuss what happens next. If you need to speak to an adviser please call the number at the top of this letter ..._

_Anything that is asked or talked about is always confidential._

_Yours sincerly,_

The letter had been signed with the loopy signature of someone who mindlessly signs things all day. This person might, or even might not, have written this letter himself and signed before placing it on the growing pile of paperwork that someone else would sort out. Just a normal day at work, nothing special about it.

Hardy had read the letter once, seated on the doorstep of what was now his house, even though he would never call it home. The words were so carefully chosen, so formal, without emotion. It made him feel sick. He needed to take his pills so he went inside, leaving the letter on the coffee table.

When he came back from the beach it was still there, constantly drawing his attention to it. He sat on the couch, staring at it, but not wanting to read it again. Never would he admit that it scared him. Hell, it scared him to death.

Everything seemed to happen in a rush after that. Joe messing up months of work by pleading not guilty, seeing DS Miller break down and Claire... He had told her so many times not to leave the house, and there she was, in court. Something to do with nine missed calls which supposedly were from her husband who, when he last checked, was in France. After having comforted Claire that she was safe he had called his man, just to be sure. Turned out he had a lead on Lee Ashworth, who was back in the country.

As if that wasn't bad enough someone had broken into his house. At first nothing seemed to be taken. It wasn't until after a long time that Alec discovered that the coffee table was empty.

Now, as he was lying on the sofa in Claire's house he thought it over again.

_"this is a very important issue which we believe needs to be addressed now"_

Now.

Why now?

He wasn't even sure why he had signed up for this in the first place. Life was shit, and, with the full trial and Lee coming closer, it was to become even shittier. Sometimes he really doubted he wanted to live and that confused him.

Turning onto his back he stared at the ceiling where Miller was sleeping in the only guest chamber. She was the first friendly face he had seen in months, and friends, he thought, they had never really been. Friendly face was also a bit of an exaggeration. She had mostly been shouting at him. And then she had broken down.

Never had she answered his calls, nor had she responded to his messages, and here she was. And she wanted to help him.

There was no need to ask her how she had been. He had been following her around, keeping an eye out for her. He wanted to make sure she was all right. She couldn't be. She wasn't. Ellie Miller was broken.

But then, so was he.

Maybe they needed each other. Maybe that was why he had turned to her for help and maybe that was the reason why she had decided to let him back in her life. He cuddled up under the thin covers closed his eyes. Seeking comfort in that thought he fell asleep.

'Miller, I need you to drive me.' He felt guilty for this being the first words he said to her that morning. She was sitting at the kitchen table, in the middle of feeding Fred. It was wrong to take her with him. He knew what they were going to see and that Beth would be there and that there was no change it was going to be good for either of them. But no matter how bad he felt for forcing her into this, he couldn't drive and this couldn't wait.

He watched the men digging up Danny's body. Watching was the only thing he could do when the Latimers made their appearance. Then Beth was shouting at Ellie and the words made his heart bleed for her.

'You couldn't resist, couldn't you?' Mark had to hold her back, otherwise she might have attacked Ellie.

'I didn't know what was happening.'

'No, you never do. This is on you, Ellie.'

She was on the verge of crying, bracing herself for the worst. And it came.

'I hope you rot in hell for what you've done to us!'

Cloë gave Ellie an apologetic look and tugged on her mother's arm, leading her away from the graveyard. The rest of the family followed shortly after and Ellie returned to his side.

'You all right?' Of course she wasn't. But what was he supposed to say?

She was staring at something behind him, furrowing her brow and he turned to see what she was looking at.

Lee Ashworth was watching them. With Purposeful movements he lit a cigarette and looked down upon them.

'Look at him standing there gloating.' He snorted.

Ellie turned her gaze to him. 'Why are you so sure he killed those girls?'

Because all the evidence he had gathered against him. Everything had pointed in the direction of Lee Ashworth and with the last piece he would have won the trial. But he never got that last piece, so he never closed the case and his main suspect had left the country.

Claire was in danger.

'Come on.' He brushed past her and walked back to her car.

Claire insisted they spent another night at her house. Even though she didn't voice it, the poor woman was scared that Ashworth would find her at night. They would have stayed longer, but the next day he had to go back to Broadchurch. While he endured his new job he had his house taken a look at by Brian from SOCO. He had supposed Ellie would drop Fred off at day-care and go back to her apartment. However, after his encounter with Lee, she was at his house, going through his files.

'What the hell are you doing?' he demanded. A flare of anger fed by all frustrations of that morning burned in his chest. He didn't mean to shout but once he had raised his voice it felt so good.

'Nothing.'

Aggressively he snatched the file from her hands. 'Put it away! For God's sake, Miller!'

'Don't you have a go at me!' she stood up to fiercely meet his gaze.

'How dare you, Miller? I ask one wee favour and you start sniffing around.' The shouting eased the weigh on his chest. He didn't realise what he was saying, only that he was saying it. Neither did Miller, as she was yelling back at him at the same time.

'What are you doing with that stuff anyway?'

'That's none of your business.'

'You made it my business.'

His phone rang.

Reaching into his pocket they glared at each other in silence for a moment. He noticed her hands were balled to fists at her sides. A glance at his phone told him it was Jocelyn and he picked up immediately. Suddenly he was thankful for her interrupting or he might have said some not so nice things he could never take back.

On their way to Jocelyn's house he told Miller about Ashworth, just like Ellie had told him about the bluebell. Their encounter at his house seemingly forgotten.

'Ashworth came to see me earlier. Said he's looking for Claire and he's not gonna stop till he finds her.'

'Well, you said that's what you wanted. Now you've got it.'

She was right. He had already been thinking of arranging a meeting between the two. As long as he had Claire he had power over Ashworth. He would have to choose a place and time for their meeting. This could work out the way he wanted.

He didn't have time to think this idea through yet as Jocelyn faced them with a new problem: Miller attacking her husband after having heard his confession. It never should have happened, but since it did happen under his watch he would be the one held responsible for the bruising that was neatly captured in the photograph in Jocelyn's file. Even though the attack found place after Joe's confession happened, this piece of evidence was clearly in advance of the defence.

As Jocelyn pointed out: _"All the defence need to do is connect the two events by suggestion."_

Of course the woman blamed Ellie for it, she was a DS, she should have known better than assault a convict like that. And of course he was the one the blame was put on next.

'Why didn't you stop me that day?'

That was just not fair. 'Oh, it's my fault now?'

They were sitting at the same bench as before, after the confession. The one they sat on when Ellie had named them the 'Former Detectives Club'. Today was different though. It was afternoon and the sun shone warmly on their faces. Both of them had discarded their jacket's and seen from a distance they could easily be mistaken for being happy tourists sunbathing. The fact that he was still wearing a suit and that they both were far from happy spoiled the image.

'Why did you let me see him?'

'I felt sorry for you. I didn't expect you to go all Bruce Lee on him.'

'Well shit...'

He couldn't say anything that would help her. Last days particularly he seemed to be at loss for words. Eventually he ended up asking what she had eaten so far that day and offered to make her lunch. Surprisingly she accepted without complaint.

They walked the short distance to his house where he started to prepare some healthy salad. He despised the taste but he had a condition and Miller didn't seem to mind. He worked in silence while she sat down at the table and stared out of the window. He studied her worried features and felt a pang of guilt in his chest.

She jumped as he set her plate down in front of her.

'It's not much.' He apologised as he sat down opposite of her in the only other chair.

'Believe me, I've eaten worse.' She almost smiled and picked up her fork.

He poked at his salad, watching her bring a full fork to her mouth. She chewed thoughtfully and shrugged, digging her fork in the plants for another mouthful.

'Aren't you gonna eat?' she pointed at his untouched plate with her fork.

He grimaced and took a bite himself, swallowing quickly not to taste to much of it. She rolled her eyes at this and resumed eating.

'Miller?' he asked softy, putting down his cutlery. 'About what you said earlier...'

'Hmm?' she copied him and wiped her mouth with her sleeve. (He hadn't given her a napkin.)

'You were right. I might have made Sandbrook your business by introducing you to Claire.'

'Where's this coming from?' she eyed him suspiciously. 'What's in that salad?'

He responded by rolling her eyes at her. 'Don't act like I never admitted that you were right about something before.'

She thought about it. 'Maybe once.'

'Right...' He shook his head. 'But that's not the point. What I'm trying to say is that we shouldn't fight. We're in this together and it won't help either of us to shout at each other without listening to a word the other says.'

She nodded thoughtfully. 'You had a good reason to be angry at me. I shouldn't have been rummaging through your personal stuff.'

'I shouldn't have yelled at you for that. I've had a lot to endure this morning and all of that just added up.' He sighed. 'I would have said worse things if it weren't for Jocelyn.'

'Well, we all say things we don't mean when we're angry.' Ellie shrugged. 'I would have done the same.'

'Still, what happened this morning is on me.' His eyes darted back to his plate. 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you. You didn't do anything wrong.'

It took him a full minute before he lifted his gaze to find Ellie's surprised, yet lightly amused expression.

'You're right.' She said eventually. 'We shouldn't fight. I'm sorry too.'

They resumed their meal in companionable silence.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Thanks everyone for the lovely reviews. This is my interpretation of 2x02. More to follow ^^<br>****Huge shoutout to my beta, timeywime-y for putting up with me.  
>All mistakes are mine. Please tell me what you think?<strong>


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